I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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