I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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