it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
