Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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