***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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