Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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