Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
