Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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