There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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