i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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