I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
