I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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