At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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