So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
