So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
