the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
