finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
