i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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