did you get engaged???
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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