I just cut my nipple shaving
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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