Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
