i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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