I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
