If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The best revenge is premature balding
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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