What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
