There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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