Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
