Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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