Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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