I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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