idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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