I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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