Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
