I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
