highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
