and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
