Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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