apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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