I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
