IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up under a house in Key West
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