dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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