Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
