Heybabeimwearingurpanties
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
