You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you didnt know i had herpes?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
