saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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