the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
