WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
