I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
