dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
