Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
