community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
