I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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