my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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