Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
